Blatant

It is as serious as that. Kind of thrown in your face blatant.  I am talking about my responsibility, the one I bestowed upon years ago but I blatantly ignored with all my might.

I am trying my best to zigzag my way out, trying to avoid the blatant truth, that I am a complete failure at defending and caring for what I am supposed to protect and care.

It was easy then, when feedback is not something that I was afraid to face, because of easy vocabulary available but now, it is a completely different story.  Cruel truth being thrown at me in beautifully composed phrases and paras. Who would have thought it is easier to swallow sands and pebbles than palming and digesting this liquid hurtful truth?

Don't mind me talking nonsense, I am trying to be at the most sensible while keeping things subtle enough for me to let it out, but just a shy away from you understanding it. I am juggling many relationships and responsibility in my only two hands, when the actual size that I need to carry is gigantic, humongous that if I were to lay my whole life flat on the ground, it wouldn't be able to contain it.  It is not the case of biting more than I could chew, it was like swallowing the whole view and beyond and expect it to fit into my much less than a handful worth mouth, whatever it is.

I am desperate to leave a legacy noble enough for one to have a wishful thinking of, and have that warmth creeping into her heart.  If I can do that, I will die a happy and fulfilled person.  However, I am not inching closer, I am stepping backwards, even farther than before my birth.

I am defending every single right and privilege and yet at the same time, I keeping that toxic bond that prevents me from achieving just that. In between, I am wasting my energy, draining my emotions and physically exerted to the very last drop of my self worth in fights that see no ends, just yet.

My only refuge is Him. This one legacy I would like to first and foremost be passed down to my generations, down the line. Without this hope, all I can see is darkness, and the old saying of finding the light at the end of the tunnel, when no one knows if you have what it takes to crawl in, through and out of.  Lord, take me, lead me...this is all that matters to me now.  This helplessness numbs me from living, and that, Lord, is premature even to me.  

My 2018 Recap

It's 30th December 2018, the second final day of 2018.  Since I don't think I will have time to write tomorrow, which I habitually do every end of the year, let's just do it now, while I still have the time and a little bit of idea what to write. Spoiler alert, there may be a bit of rerun, restatement of what I had written last year, but that's just a matter of emphasizing my point.

2018 is my year of coming out of my shell. I was a very reserved, meticulous and a bit of introvert.  I couldn't stand to be in crowd, and that still valid until now.  Nevertheless, despite that, there has been an almost 180 degrees of change in me, my attitude, my appearance and my self-confidence. Well, of course, my life since mid 2015 is all about fitness, my newly unveiled passion which now at the fiery, hot blazing stage.  Every end of the year since 2015 (going into 2016) I set a fitness resolution.

2015 - A fit body with body weight to be around 45 kg.

2016 - Adding more muscle and definition, while maintaining the fit look.  Allowing additional 3 - 5 kg addition.

2017 - More volume and strength. Protein intake to be allowed to supplement my growing need. Another 5 kg of lean muscle increase was allowable.

2018 - More volume then defining, preparing to take up my personal challenge to beat my own fear and crack my covering shell, to compete and pose on the stage.  A bit of very low dose hormonal help is allowed.

Up until now, I am glad to share with you that every single fitness resolution I had set, was successfully achieved.  Thank God for allowing me to grow despite so many negative views and barriers, I know what I want and I want it so bad.  To tell you the truth, fulfilling those resolutions was not that easy, it was very hard, indeed.  It takes a heart of steel and an equally strong determination to keep my eyes on the prize.  My climax this year happened just a couple of weeks ago, where I competed in Mr. Borneo Women Physique.  I didn't even qualify into the final, but in my heart, I am already a winner.  I know where I was at, and for my less than 3 weeks prep, the body that I finally presented on stage was more than satisfying.  It was quite an experience, the most important thing was I finally able to see the strength I was capable of showing.  The dieting phase was the most horrible and the hardest for me, but I managed to get through it, successfully.  After this, I know there is nothing I can't do, if I put my whole heart and effort into it.  All this, however, was nothing without God allowing me the opportunity to compete.  Usually, BB competition held on Saturday, or Friday Eve, which is my curfew.  It was why I didn't take my preparation seriously, not minding my diet at all because the original date fell on Friday Eve.  At the last minute, the competition was postponed to a later date, 16th December and I finally had no excuse not to try this time.  So in less than 3 weeks I started and went through my prep, and the rest is history.

In my professional job, despite going through a bad phase in 2017, where our KPI was not achieved, 2018 was our team's complete turnaround.  We managed to produce almost double the KPI with the team strength only 3, the smallest team in our department.  I owe this to my dedicated team members.  We had so many other works and despite that, I kept on pushing them and of course, as normal people do, sometimes they asked me to ease our work a little as it is tiring them to be on the race nonstop, but they did it anyway. That's a blessing I am forever grateful for.  Of course, my advancement in my career halted a bit when I was offered a promotion to the next higher grade, but with the condition I couldn't bring myself to fulfill, moving to other state.  I have to turn it down for the moment.  I guess it was not my time yet.

At home, is a total different story.  It was a mixed achievement.  But if you have to ask me, I'd say I feel I failed my duty as a mom.  I really do.  I failed to be there for my kid, failed to comfort her when she needs me the most, failed to protect her, failed to prioritize her...simply put, I am not a good mom.  This is my turn off, biggest one, in 2018.  How will I make up for this, I have no idea yet.  But I am determined to not letting this happen again in 2019.  God bestowed her upon me to take care of, she is my responsibility, I will fulfill it to the fullest.  God will help me to achieve this.  This is my ultimate purpose so this will be my priority.

Other things, I can only pray that I will be the best version of me for them.  I can't make everyone happy, but as much as I can, with whatever I have, I will try my best to make this world, how little it is, a better one.

So, Happy New Year, everyone.  I pray you'll be showered with love, hope and joy.  God bless

No man is an island

Yes, I insist you agree with me.  I am in no mood to argue, as I am as rotten as decomposing corpse inside.  

Today the world is full with narcissists who think the world revolves around them, and them only.  I can only pray that their eyes are opened to see that lo, there are millions and billions of people around them, more than half whose lives are much worse than they are.

Some may think they are climbing up the ladder in their life, success came tailing them wherever they go, and to top the ego of, they did it on their own, without anyone's help. That is what in their mind.  This thought is poisoning so many so-called successful people that they think they have an exclusive right to step on other people, trumpeting to the world that "I did it my way".  Little did they know, the moment the key persons around them move their feet an inch away from them they will fall down and face the reality with dirt smudged on their face.  Well, I am expecting a hate curse to come my way because of this statement, especially from those so-called self-made successful persons in this world except, of course, the few genuine ones.

This world is full of egoistic people.  Some projected it so clearly that you can say right away in their face that they are (egoistic), some are hiding behind their 'humble' personality, looked harmless on the outside, but actually more lethal and potent than the former.  If you happen to be the few lucky ones that able to live this long without those kind of people in your life, then I would like to congratulate you.  Be careful to avoid getting involved with those kind of persons.  

I do not know what to say.  I just feel like I would like to just prepare an account, just to prove where they actually are in this so-called successful world they claimed as theirs.

Actually, I just feel like I need a good punching bag right now.  I am on the verge of breaking down, or more likely, of exploding.  I do not know how much more I can hold on.

????????????

Yes, I am supposed to be that one friend who will listen to her friend.  Can't you see how much I love to be that person, be able to fulfill that responsibility every time I am needed?  Not everyone can see that, I know, but the truth is, I do.

I know I always whine about the loads of works I am bearing, and right now, it is reaching my limit.  I have impending dues, the climax of almost 3 years of work and yet I couldn't think at all.  My brain is blank, despite an overdue (of many) task.  My own annual personal work, all three of them actually ready to be finalized, just a few tweaks and posts here and there and viola, the final accounts will 'appear'.  Yet, they are hanging just like that with the closing date is just 10 days away. I have my duty as a mentor, and also assisting colleague and friend in their studies.  In normal circumstances, this won't cause me breaking a sweat, but right now, it is causing migraines and headaches.  Don't let me start with business with its financial and staffing problems.  I almost exploded when I received complaints from customers.  I hate backstabbers and this one case might just be qualified as one of them. My car is starting to cry for attention, and I know I need to take my 2-days unrecorded leave to attend to its need. Family and homes crave for the same, and yet where am I going to find time and strength to cover all that?

I am losing my ability to listen.  My ears are still attached to my head, my hearing is as good as ever and yet I couldn't process almost anything that is worth listening to and pondering about.  My emotions wrecked and literally run-down. I become more sensitive to small things.  It elevated the impact unnecessarily and caused me making bad decisions and drastic measures, which actually aren't supposed to be taken at the first place.

I want to pour all these concerns out to anyone willing to listen, but I am afraid of becoming redundant.  These things that weigh tonnes to me might seems far lighter in others eyes.  I am afraid of the response that I might get, that I seems to exaggerate things when in actual fact is that I am on the brink of saying 'It's enough, I couldn't take it anymore'.  I may appear strong, even hardheaded and cold-hearted egoistic maniac, but I am slowly crumbling down on the inside.  Those laughter and silly words are my shield and mask, but do tell me, until when?  Above all that, is the fact that I fully realized that others too, have their own problems and concerns, and that I shouldn't shove mine into their face, no matter how much they care for me.

I have only Him to run into.  His arms are always opened for me.  Sometimes in the midst of my run towards Him, I am afraid I wouldn't be able to make it into His arms, and that I might fall somewhere without ever reaching to Him. My only hope is that He will meet me halfway, and stop me from falling deeper and fades away from this world.

I pray that I will be understood.  Not that I choose to be deaf, but it's the noise of personal problems and concerns muted sound from outside of my head, that I wouldn't be able to function normally, as much as I'd love to.  I am in the phase of overreacting to even the smallest poke, please allow me time to calm down and settle down.  That is all I am asking.  World, please be kind to me.  Lord, You are my everything, everything I do is for Your glory.  Help me.

Just a little please..........

Just a little respect would be nice. This thought continued to haunt my mind the whole night that it robbed me my sleep and much needed rest.  Yesterday was Mother's Day, and for the first time in a few years, I became the most ignorant person I've ever been in my last decade.  Not that the day itself was a glory above everything else, it was just that I had let my mom wish me Happy Mother's Day first, and adding to the wound I surely caused my mom was, my indifferent reply to her.  I was too busy attending to my own life that I forgot the one person that made my existence possible.

I needed to redeem my mistakes.  My brother's suggestion to have a  Mother's Day dinner at nearby steamboat outlet was seen as a great way to do it.  As  much as I really wanted to make up for the lost training sessions during the weekend, I decided to give way to the one thing that possessed higher priority, have my rest.  That lethargic body, regretful mind and guilty heart, added to the indifferent response I got when confirming the dinner booking, led to quite a heated night.  

I might not be the most punctual person on earth, but when it came to family on occasion such as last night, and considering they made the effort to come all the way to a place nearer to us considering our need to retire early that night, the room for tolerance was much less than the usual thin ones. The last minute withdrawal, delivered with such a 'jolly and easy' way that was so wrong in terms of time and occasion, caused an explosion almost greater than the nukes during the WW II.  What came out was just small sparks, but still I knew it delivered greater impact than the full explosion.  Needless to say, the night went not that smoothly.  I was still unable to redeem my sin, in fact, I added more to the list by departing without a word of goodbye, not even a handshake.  I felt really, really bad.  Actually I couldn't even describe it at all.

Despite the bad things I had done, I didn't want to close my eyes without saying sorry to those I might hurt earlier.  I sent a message conveying my regret and apologize for the wrong.  I know it went straight through her without any impact whatsoever, but I needed to let her know anyway.  There are other things that I wanted them to know as well, that I wish they could understand, if not now, maybe someday.  Here you go..."Dearest, I know who I am to all of you.  Rest assured that I have never intended to replace anyone in your life.  I am here for who I know God assigned me to.  It's okay if you could never love me or look up to me the way you should to your parents.  That's exactly the very thing that you should do.  I never ask for your love, or trust.  Those are the things to be won, not asked.  I may sometimes act as your guardian, be it against your will, but my care isn't forced.  You are, for me, my family, even though you don't share the same perspective.  That's okay.  However, there is one little thing I ask from you.  Please have a little respect.  Although you may not consider my family as yours, as much as I wanted you to, just please, a little respect would suffice.  Sharing the same roof and yet I feel like I am a total stranger to you. Please, don't be.  You are never obliged to attend all the family occasions, though I would really hope and love that you will.  Whenever you don't feel like you want to, just please, have a little respect by telling me, politely, that you won't be there with us.  I hope this is not asking too much.  And I do really hope that if not now, someday, you will understand the importance of what I am asking here, to me, and all others like me."

Well, it is time to give another shot at getting my few hours of sleep.  I hope I will be lucky enough this time.  Good night.

Most challenging day ever...

Truly am exhausted right now.  I had more than enough share of bad days recently more than the previous years in my life.  I don't know what I did that made me deserve this but Lord, it brought the hell out of me.  Is this what they call when it hurt too badly you will feel nothing at all?

I had a presentation, an important one, the first-impression kind of presentation to our Head of Department.  This presentation kept me, all of us at the office, busy and stressed.  The night before the presentation, I couldn't sleep well.  The day before I spent with sweating and tiring myself with all sorts of activities that would keep my mind occupied, instead of worrying about the next day event.

I washed my car (okay, I brought the car to the nearest car wash), riding bike in the process until my legs spent and tired.  Then I went on polishing 2 cars, took me about 4 hours to finish.  As if that wasn't tiring enough, I played a great couple of badminton games.  My friend went straight home, claiming she was tired while I proceeded to the gym, with nice intention to just sit nicely and just attend the gym but no, less than an hour before closing, I hit muscle-numbing shoulder super sets workout leaving my shoulder pulsing from the satisfying pump.

I was supposed to feel tired but my brain wouldn't cooperate.  I was worried I wasn't prepared enough for the presentation that I decided to just browse the documents I brought home and rehearse few things with my very sleepy friend.  Midnight struck, I thought I should have some rest.  Unfortunately, due to my anxiety, I woke up every hour until 5.30 am when I finally woke up and started to get ready.  I thought I would wear a proper feminine wear, the traditional baju kurung but belatedly I realized, if I were to be able to talk confidently, I must be at my most comfortable state so I changed my mind and went for the black and white suit. Armed with prayers, the presentation went well, very well.  Thank God for Your guidance.  I wouldn't be able to perform well without You.  The great day at the office didn't come without a challenge.  Just before lunch my daughter's class teacher sent me message telling me Nicole wasn't feeling well and needed to be brought home.  Thank God my friend was kind enough to help me.

Due to lost appetite during lunch, I went home relieved but very hungry.  The stress finally get the best of me, my head ached.  I had to rest for a while before the evening routine, sending kid to tuition and of course, gym.  I intended to burn the stress of once and for all today by hitting heavy set of back workout.  Just when I thought I would start my workout, another unfortunate event happened.  Misunderstanding, and yet I was too tired to argue or give in.  The only thing I was able to do was just walk away.  My body and mind were too tired for things like this.  

Ended up I didn't workout at all.  Went home and too tired to even park at my parking space, I decided to temporarily park my car in other's parking space.  I left the windows opened so that when the owner come, he would know that I was in the car and could just ask me to move my car.  UNFORTUNATELY, that wasn't how the story went.  The owner came, I was asleep then, maybe a honk or two, then went on ravaging my car hood, scratching like mad cat.  I woke up and witnessing the vandalism happened, done to my own car, right before my very eyes.  I should be angry, no...I should be very very mad but I was too mad about everything that I felt nothing at all.  Instead I said sorry and drove away.  When finally everything came together in my mind, I drove back, the owner's car wasn't there.  I realized he must be afraid that I might scratch his car back, or report him to the police, neither would I do, although honestly I had thought about it.  But my feelings and anger numbed, I don't know what to feel anymore.

The only thing on my mind was to take a day off today, bring my car for a partial painting session and maybe a precious rest would be nice.  I just don't know...

There you go, challenging, I guess...whatever.

A bit of reflection and a peek into the future

2017

It was a good year, supposedly.  I had been given so many things, experiences and opportunities that I never thought I would have.  

In life, challenges were as tough (if not tougher) as they were before, I assumed the responsibility as both mom and dad at home, meaning not only I had to be soft, emotional and empathetic, but tough, hard-headed and strong at the same time.  My own daughter is getting bigger, she's officially a teenager now.  That's a different phase I need to deal with, and handle with care.  So are my other teenagers at home.  I had to learn a totally different approach so as to engage them and keep them afoot without putting them off with too much 'parenting'.

In work, I had been demanded more than I thought I was capable of rendering.  There were times I thought it was easier to give up, especially when things became difficult and I was hit, bashed and criticize more often and harder than ever before.  I learnt new way of handling things, or to accept hit after hit.  I am hardened and made more durable day by day.  It wasn't an easy feat, I am learning even until today.  Mounting responsibilities, tighter deadlines, and many more to come this year.  Me and my team managed to finished 4 out of only the standard 2 projects.  Unfortunately, 2 were rejected. My team ended up branded as a failure despite what I considered a remarkable achievement for a small team of 3 I had.  

The good thing was, I was given the opportunity to shoulder a huge responsibility, being part of the backbone for an international project which gave me the chance to travel (be it just work travel) to Hanoi, Vietnam in November 2016 and Kuwait City, Kuwait in April 2017.  It really opened my eyes to the outside world, and erased my phobia to go beyond my country's border.  Those luxury came with huge responsibilities though, which will be continued right up to this moment. Only God knows how heavy it is, added with my responsibilities at home, in business, in my family and self, and above all in my relationship with my ultimate provider, my God.

The businesses that I had with my partner went quite smoothly.  The gym was a good investment.  With His help, I managed to add in my share to the business, little by little closing the gap of shareholding with my partner.  At least I am no longer just a very, very small shareholder.  It gave significant change to the way I view the business.  God's interference in our gym business proved to be potent from the very beginning to the end.  There were many competitions, but we survived, so far and we know, it was Him all along.  We managed to improve the gym condition, a bit, and added in a few pairs of new dumbbells and plates.  We are currently expecting an additional machine for the comfort of our customers.

The plastic business was not doing as well as gym.  The first 5 months of operation conceded loss to us.  Though it was expected, we are running out of time to rebound from the loss.  We are praying and trying hard to recover from the loss.  We believe God will show us the best way, decision to take as we continue to try our best to survive and rise above the water.

My personal relationship with Him suffered yo-yo trend.  There were times it was strong, and times when I barely remembered Him in life.  Despite that, He never left me, not even a single second.  That I am sure.  This year, with all the blessings he bestowed upon me, I pledged my entire year towards renewing my vow and strengthening the bond I always have with Him.  This year is a year of realizing His presence in my life, and sharing the blessings with others without any strings attached.

My relationship with my friends.  Well, what can I say?  I had been less present and available for friends the entire year.  For this, please grant me apology, I had been one bad friend.  My birthday sucked, it was one of the worst day in my life.  My friends needed me, but I wasn't there for them, not as much as I really wanted to.  By the end of the year, the very first friendship I had was on the edge of destruction, and I don't know what to do about it.  I was at lost and the only thing I could do was watch.  As heart breaking as it was, I just don't know how to handle it.

My personal goal (apart from my spiritual life) was to gain mass, and I think I succeeded.  Managed to get certified as Personal Trainer.  The winning strike continued from 2015 until 2017, where physical and fitness goal achieved successfully.  This year the goal is higher and harder, more effort to be exerted and know what, I think I am up for the challenge.  God wills.

Family and friends, I will try my best to be better than I was last year.  Forgive my shortcomings, please remember I am trying my best and there will be times when my best won't be good enough.  Just remember that I am trying, all the time.  Dear Lord, please, never leave me for I need You more and more everyday.  I won't survive a day without You.  I promise I will open my eyes and ears and heart, wider to see and grab every single opportunity You show me to share the good news to everyone around me. 

There you go.  A summary of past and present and future, all in a single entry.  Till the next update, God bless us all.

Be The Real Me....

Now...2017

Looks big and bulky, right?  Well, welcome to the new and latest me.  This is not to promote bodybuilding or even to promote me, but this entry is all about being the real you, in this case, the real me. 

As you may have read countless times in my blogs, I have told you how almost my entire life spent conforming to others standards.  Simply said, I was not being me. I tried my whole life to live and be someone others wanted me to be.  Well, maybe that's not a bad thing since what others required of me was quite simple, be a good girl and daughter.  Be the beautiful and pretty someone to others.  

Then...2014

Problem is, I am not the one 'moldable' person everyone would love to love.  I tried, God knows how much I tried.  I spent countless hours, money and my will to be what I think the society wanted me to be, or at least be someone that they can accept.  If you are wondering how it made me feel, let me tell you...it was unbearable at times, that I ever thought of quitting...life.  But my faith kept me away from those hellish thoughts, and I survived the ordeal.  

My younger days continued with me trying to still be acceptable to society.  My close friends may not notice this, but I know for sure my mom knows, because she tried to fashion me to be as normal as I should be.  I don't blame her for that, I know she did that because she loves me.  However, the one thing that she might never know how suffered I feel inside being a person I am definitely not.

Up until the 32nd years of my life, I still continued to be not me.  Please don't get me wrong, I am not whining for being created this way, I cherish the way God created me, actually, so special that I had no one to refer to as to how to handle this, other than asking Him directly.  I am my parents' only daughter, who had trouble to really mingle  with fellow girls and play their games, the one that developed Adam's apple once I reached my puberty or the one who doesn't know how to scream like a girl, or even the one with ego as high as Mount Everest, oh and not to mention, the temperament like a boiling volcano.

Awkward as it is, unpleasant on my behalf, God gave me the opportunity to be a parent to a beautiful daughter of my own.  That's a real bonus for someone as undeserving as me.  

Went through almost everything God allowed me to experience, from my tumultuous teen to my erratic early adulthood, I finally came to the point where I feel enough is enough.  I spent almost my entire life trying to conform to others' standards, but it brought me nothing good.. instead I suffered more and more everyday.  Every day is 'me against myself' day, if you know what I meant.

I started off by searching and trying to understand me.  Why am I feeling this way, looking this way, and not being able to do and feel what I am supposed to feel?  I found out there is a little different in me and my body.  Thanks to a trusted friend whom I can safely confide in.  I finally able to express how I feel and...just let it go.  The one advice that I really appreciate was, just be who you are, forget what others think about you.  

So I went on, changing bit by bit, to be someone whom I can confirm is my real me, the one whom skin I can feel most comfortable in.  I cherish the extra androgen hormone I am blessed with, now I am strength training, trying to reach my limit.  I am on protein supplementation starting 2017, just to make sure I recover fast from all those muscle tearing workouts.  However, I am not going for any hormone injection whatsoever, like most female bodybuilder do.  Nope, that wasn't my intention.  I am just making full use of God-given body, the special one He gave me.  

I am stepping out of my comfort zone more often than not, trying to reach the best potential God might have in store for me. My focus now is no more on how people will see me, or think of me, that is none of my concern.  What I really want is how my existence will impact others lives, how...by being the real me, I can help others in whatever ways possible.  I don't really care if people look at me and shake their head...or maybe got confused of my identity.  I get that quite often these days, but who cares.  I am not trying to confuse you, I am just being me, the tough girl I always am.  I love being the provider, and that role fits really well with me.

In the end, all I want is, when finally it is time for me to go Home, and leave this world, I want to know that I have done my best, in this body and personality that I am blessed with, to all those around me, be it those whom I know personally or not.  I know I am a blessing from God, and I pray every day that He help me to shine through the darkness of this world, leading all to Him, in my best way possible.  That, my friend, I would not be able to do if I continue to be Not Me. 

I will continue to be here as long as I have purpose to serve, for Him.  Once it is all done, I am prepared to be called to rest, until it is time to wake up to His glory once again.  Well friend, judge me, as much as you like, it won't affect me.  Being the real me brought another bonus change in me... I judge others  a lot lesser.  I'd be lying if I said I stopped altogether, because I am still a human.  I almost quit judging others, because I know how it feels to be judged.

So, yes, just be the real you.  Be who you really are, and you will see and feel how great life is.  

A Little Accident

Just a little warm up.  Like I said, a lot had happened during my months of silence, both good and bad.  Let me start with the bad thing.  Happened on 9th November 2015, Monday.  After work, I rushed out of my house for a badminton game.  I drove the 'little bit broken' Kembara, which gear was malfunctioning, but still I drove it anyway.  So, in drizzle, I reached the T-junction near my housing area, where I had to stop at an uphill road.  Desperate to beat the time, the soonest I saw my right was clear, with just a careless glimpse on my left side, I stepped on the gas.  Just a split second after I set my foot on the gas pedal, I saw a motorbike came in, into my way, and we met in the middle.  

Thud, and very belatedly I braked the car.  I already hit the biker, he and his bike crashed into the front of Kembara and went under, bringing down the car's iron bar/bumper with him.  I panicked.  I was really afraid he was hurt real bad.  Luckily, he might have only few bruises, nothing else. But I was really, really panicked that the biker actually had to calm me down, telling me he was okay and that I need not to worry.  The only thing he asked was to bear the cost of repairing the motorbike, and that's it.  He didn't even ask for my name or my phone number.  So, I asked for his number, and I called him the next day, where we went to workshop together and settled the matter.

What amazed me was, usually, in such a very clear accident, where the fault was clearly mine, the victim would get very angry, and...you know, the usual.  But it was totally the opposite.  He was very very kind, even helped to calm me down.  He helped me to settle the matter, brought me to witness first hand and actually deal with the workshop on the repair works, so as to make sure no one cheated, I went to talk to his employer, the actual owner of the bike, and thank God, everything went so very smoothly.  The overall settlement was less than RM200.  At the workshop, other people even tried to persuade him to take advantage of the accident to actually add unnecessary repairs, but he just brushed it off.  

Well, there are still good people here in this world, today.  Hard to find, but when you do, they'll make your day, and light up hopes for better tomorrow.

The damage............

Rambling on Love....

Love...what you have in store for me?  I used to think you could be nurtured and taught or even disciplined, but no, you are much wilder than that.  You refused to be 'dogged', train to love and love.  You are catting more than anything, where control is not something I can have possession over.  You love without knowing beforehand how strong and to whom.  

I thought, once you found someone that you thought met your criteria you had set your entire life believing, you can nurture and grow the love inside you.  You follow the common 'rule' in loving, accepting all his flaws, with little or no regards at all at his past, for it is 'in the past and it shouldn't be allowed to ruin the future.  Future is what your present will make it.'  So beautiful to see other people oozing and melting over phrases and quotes on love.  Love is accepting, love is not judging, love does not punish, people over their past, love is this and that.  I did that, God knows how much I tried my best to conform to that 'high' standard of loving.  How on earth, so many people forget to state the one and most important thing in this whole loving business, your own heart?  You can train every single part of your body, to be strong, to do what you planned, even up until your highest positioned organ, your brain, but your heart, it remains the single, wildest part of you, that even you can't have total control over.

Accept the others' flaw as you may, yes, that's crucial.  Don't change what you can't.  You can't expect someone to change, because a relationship is doomed from even the beginning if you entered it with hope that someone will change.  That's one advice I had been given.  They said, you can't change other, but you can change yourself.  Change myself?  Not to be hardheaded or anything, but I should change to accommodate others?  And be who I am not?  And suffer later for being totally awkward and uncomfortable for others?  Yes, love and sacrifices always go hand in hand.  But remember, giving also comes together with receiving.  I give, how the others receive it is equally important to complete the equation.  I give with my whole heart, but when the other receive it halfheartedly, what justice it brings to me?  I am a person, an equal half in that relationship, don't I matter?  

Forget the past, it should remain at the past.  So beautiful this phrase is.  I wish it is that easy.  You want to understand the person, how would you do that?  Let him talk and present himself to you?  All you can hear is the polished version, all goody-goody stuffs with little taint, if there's any at all.  Past is irrelevant, right?  How do you tell you are in the present, or stepping into the future, if not for the traces of footprints behind you?  How do you know who the person is if not for his past?  How do you tell a person's reliability or trust-ability if not for what or who he is in the past, how he handle things and how he reacted, his reputation and all?  Accept and forget, by all means, but you have your eyes, your brain and your heart, don't waste what control mechanism God has granted you.    

I am using the past to the fullest, not to judge others, but for me to better understand a person, how he was brought up, and to better understand his personality and attitude.  From which, once I understood, I will know whether he is for me or not.  I made a mistake once in this, I won't do it again, ever.  

I am listening to my heart, and I know, I still have a fully functioning heart.  It knows how to love, and love fully.  And I know, how beautiful and strong love is at the same time, thank God I finally have the opportunity to feel and understand it.  Unpredictable, uncontrollable?  Yes, but with Him guiding my every step, that simple heart mistake won't happen, ever.

Serene Home

Let's take a break from sport just for a while.  

I just want to share my newly found sweet spot for my eye.  Lately, since I am working outside for 2 months starting last February, I have begun to take an alternative route to my workplace, to avoid traffic jam.  Actually, the traffic is more or less the same, but I find it quite soothing to take the small alternative road, the old Penampang Road.  It is because there is a house there, that really caught my attention.

It is a very modest house, a single-storey terrace house, a corner unit.  I think it is a quite old house, since the design is not as modern as we usually see these days.  The brick and concrete mix, carefully tended lawn, few short trees, mangoes and other fruit trees, I think, providing shades around the house.  A very private and cozy lawn with a single lane for, just enough to park a car or two, a wheelbarrow under a tree, adding to the nostalgic effect of the house.  I could feel the peace, almost.  

I couldn't describe the house with words, only that whenever I look at it, I feel at peace and so much more connected to my childhood and my current life, the peace and serenity that I long for.  It looks peaceful, without the forlorn feelings that I hate and found in other houses like that.

Maybe someday if I have the chance, I will take a few pictures to share here.  The only thing is, I really wish I will own such peaceful and cozy home someday, for my very little family.  God wills.

 

 

Courtesy and kindness aren't dead

Just this morning, I was almost 10 minutes late....sending Nicole to school. A very last minute effort in trying to help Nicole with her Chinese homework. Nicole scolded me hard for not helping her last night. I admit...it was my fault. My bad. I am sorry. 

Anyway, we were very lucky since her classmates were just about to queue up for morning assembly. Nothing amiss...it seemed to me. 

What was interesting to me was how her classmates reacted to Nicole being late. They cheered her....to get into the line faster while I helped to carry her backpack up...just as far as to the door. Then quickly two of her classmates, boys, without saying anything...without even being asked, carried the Nicole's heavy bags inside. 

Courtesy and kindness do exist....even in young children of this age. Thank God....Hallelujah for that. I am glad I can still witness such simple act of kindness in our children. 

Too Protective or Just Being Extra Cautious?

Been wanting to write about this, after reading so many news, incidents and complaints from parents or teachers alike.  Are we being irrationally protective of our children or is there any good explanation for this?

Let me summarize what is happening to the world today, well, at least here in Malaysia.  Everyday, when sending my kid to school, I will have to go through annoying traffic jam at school.  Why, it is like 1 car for every 1 or 2 pupils.  It wasn't like this during my time.  Lines of school buses was the regular sight.  Only 1 or 2 private cars parked amidst the long lines of school buses.  The distance between my apartment to the school is actually not that far, it is in comfortable walking distance, still I insist on sending her to the front of her classroom, or at least to the school gate.  Nicole asked once, 'Can I walk to school when I am bigger?' Well, the answer is still, 90% no.  

Then, there are cases where parents lodged a police report or even sued teachers for punishing their children, regardless whose fault it was.  Back to my school years, we were afraid to tell our parents that we were canned or punished at school, because we would be punished, again, or at least scolded, for the same mistake or fault.  When going out, I remembered our parents only hold our hands when crossing streets.  My dad, on the other hand, only guided me, no holding hands.  Now, even when walking around, in shopping mall, we will hold our kids' hands, as frequently as possible, afraid of the possibility of them wandering around, get lost, or, heavens forbid, kidnapped.

That's not even mentioning about how we control our kids' food, what they can eat or can't, places where we let out children play, no playing with dirt or under the rain, drink only filtered water, no excessive climbing of trees and such, and so many more.  Looking at my own childhood, I think our children nowadays are missing so many things, fun in their lives.  I remember eating whatever edible food I could find, even did the outdoor cooking myself, we played with dirt, dust or even mud, under heavy rain, searching tadpoles in puddles, drinking straight from water tap (from water tank which I knew housed mosquito larvae), climbing tall trees and did our acrobatic stunts from the high branches, head down, and so many more.

Are we robbing fun and freedom from our children?  I personally wish that I can allow the same fun-filled life to be enjoyed by my kid, but I am afraid it is just not possible in today's world.  The world I lived then was a lot safer than now.  Now, dangers and crime are everywhere.  One mishap, you'll lose your loved ones.  Let go of your child once in a shopping mall, someone could take the chance and kidnap your children, and do horrible things to them.  Food poisoning, diseases in water and in almost everything we enjoy, touch, eat and drink, even in the air, accidents in parking place including schools and home, so many unheard of illness and diseases, all these are happening every day in our community.  Life is more fragile than ever.  You can't even guarantee biological parents won't hurt their own children.  Have we heard of all these back then, 20 years ago?  No, even if there was, it was an isolated case.  Children could go out to streets, to their friends' house to gather and play together, and back home safely, without leaving their parents worried over their safety.

So, just think for yourself.  Are we being too protective, or we are just surviving?  We let our natural instinct to act upon changes in our world today.  The nastier the world becomes, the more protective and extra cautious we'll all be.  

One thing to remember, though, too much protection will leave our children helpless should someday they will have to face the world on their own.  Be protective, by all means, but don't forget to nurture and teach your kids life's lesson, help them to grow and be tough and ready to someday face the grueling world on their own. 

Falling Out of Love, An Impossible Feat

This morning, while listening to Mix.fm, my attention was grabbed, hard, by a phone call from a lady, talking about her and her husband, that even though he is not romantic and that they fight a lot, she still loves him for who he really is.  And, for the simple fact that he is a simple and considerate man.  Above all, she thinks she has found her soulmate that no matter what happened, she will still love him, no matter how much arguments and fights they went into, she would still be lost without him. "Awww, so sweet", I said to myself.

Then the DJ, Sarimah asked, "Is it possible that someday you might fall out of love, for any reason at all, be it fights, disagreement or just anything, serious or less?".  The lady on the phone answered, confidently, "No, you will never be falling out of love. There's no such thing.  If that happens, it simply means you haven't found your soulmate yet.  Whatever you feel that made you think you fell in love at the beginning, it could be anything or something, but then in the end, you fell out of it, it is not true love, and he is not your real soulmate."

This really got me thinking, and actually nodding alone in my car, how true it actually is.  There is no such thing as falling out of love.  If it is love, a real and true love, your feelings will never lessen, not even a bit.  Even if you have to someday lose that person, the love will remain inside you, no matter what.  But, if it happens otherwise, that at anytime you feel you are falling out of love, it simply means, you have not felt the real love yet.  Love is everything but lessen.  It is forgiving, it is caring, it is everything good, unselfish, but never ever...bound to lose at any time at all.  It is forever.  

In love with someone is something priceless.  Being loved back is a thousandth times much more priceless than that.  That's why, no amount of imperfection, disagreement or hatred will be able to dismantle it from your heart.  Unluckily, not everyone will have the experience, to love, and be loved. Some are blessed enough to feel that and have and grabbed the chance to spend the rest of their lives with the person they loved.  Some are unlucky to never found or felt true love in its truest sense.  Some even unluckier to feel the love, but too late, the person is not available, you are not available, time is not right, or even circumstances or the person simply doesn't feel the same towards you.  

Agreeing to this completely, I don't actually know where I stand.  Well, most probably I would be the latter group, the unlucky ones, the falling out ones.  I know, however, that falling in love, really in love, would have me putting my life on the line for the one I am in love with.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know, for sure, I fell in love once and still, with the One, and I am lucky enough to be loved back, much more deeper.  Divine love felt so much more divine than anything else.

So, today I would definitely say to all, there is NO such thing as falling out of love, only that you have never been in love at the first place.