Be The Real Me....

Now...2017

Looks big and bulky, right?  Well, welcome to the new and latest me.  This is not to promote bodybuilding or even to promote me, but this entry is all about being the real you, in this case, the real me. 

As you may have read countless times in my blogs, I have told you how almost my entire life spent conforming to others standards.  Simply said, I was not being me. I tried my whole life to live and be someone others wanted me to be.  Well, maybe that's not a bad thing since what others required of me was quite simple, be a good girl and daughter.  Be the beautiful and pretty someone to others.  

Then...2014

Problem is, I am not the one 'moldable' person everyone would love to love.  I tried, God knows how much I tried.  I spent countless hours, money and my will to be what I think the society wanted me to be, or at least be someone that they can accept.  If you are wondering how it made me feel, let me tell you...it was unbearable at times, that I ever thought of quitting...life.  But my faith kept me away from those hellish thoughts, and I survived the ordeal.  

My younger days continued with me trying to still be acceptable to society.  My close friends may not notice this, but I know for sure my mom knows, because she tried to fashion me to be as normal as I should be.  I don't blame her for that, I know she did that because she loves me.  However, the one thing that she might never know how suffered I feel inside being a person I am definitely not.

Up until the 32nd years of my life, I still continued to be not me.  Please don't get me wrong, I am not whining for being created this way, I cherish the way God created me, actually, so special that I had no one to refer to as to how to handle this, other than asking Him directly.  I am my parents' only daughter, who had trouble to really mingle  with fellow girls and play their games, the one that developed Adam's apple once I reached my puberty or the one who doesn't know how to scream like a girl, or even the one with ego as high as Mount Everest, oh and not to mention, the temperament like a boiling volcano.

Awkward as it is, unpleasant on my behalf, God gave me the opportunity to be a parent to a beautiful daughter of my own.  That's a real bonus for someone as undeserving as me.  

Went through almost everything God allowed me to experience, from my tumultuous teen to my erratic early adulthood, I finally came to the point where I feel enough is enough.  I spent almost my entire life trying to conform to others' standards, but it brought me nothing good.. instead I suffered more and more everyday.  Every day is 'me against myself' day, if you know what I meant.

I started off by searching and trying to understand me.  Why am I feeling this way, looking this way, and not being able to do and feel what I am supposed to feel?  I found out there is a little different in me and my body.  Thanks to a trusted friend whom I can safely confide in.  I finally able to express how I feel and...just let it go.  The one advice that I really appreciate was, just be who you are, forget what others think about you.  

So I went on, changing bit by bit, to be someone whom I can confirm is my real me, the one whom skin I can feel most comfortable in.  I cherish the extra androgen hormone I am blessed with, now I am strength training, trying to reach my limit.  I am on protein supplementation starting 2017, just to make sure I recover fast from all those muscle tearing workouts.  However, I am not going for any hormone injection whatsoever, like most female bodybuilder do.  Nope, that wasn't my intention.  I am just making full use of God-given body, the special one He gave me.  

I am stepping out of my comfort zone more often than not, trying to reach the best potential God might have in store for me. My focus now is no more on how people will see me, or think of me, that is none of my concern.  What I really want is how my existence will impact others lives, how...by being the real me, I can help others in whatever ways possible.  I don't really care if people look at me and shake their head...or maybe got confused of my identity.  I get that quite often these days, but who cares.  I am not trying to confuse you, I am just being me, the tough girl I always am.  I love being the provider, and that role fits really well with me.

In the end, all I want is, when finally it is time for me to go Home, and leave this world, I want to know that I have done my best, in this body and personality that I am blessed with, to all those around me, be it those whom I know personally or not.  I know I am a blessing from God, and I pray every day that He help me to shine through the darkness of this world, leading all to Him, in my best way possible.  That, my friend, I would not be able to do if I continue to be Not Me. 

I will continue to be here as long as I have purpose to serve, for Him.  Once it is all done, I am prepared to be called to rest, until it is time to wake up to His glory once again.  Well friend, judge me, as much as you like, it won't affect me.  Being the real me brought another bonus change in me... I judge others  a lot lesser.  I'd be lying if I said I stopped altogether, because I am still a human.  I almost quit judging others, because I know how it feels to be judged.

So, yes, just be the real you.  Be who you really are, and you will see and feel how great life is.