Love...what you have in store for me? I used to think you could be nurtured and taught or even disciplined, but no, you are much wilder than that. You refused to be 'dogged', train to love and love. You are catting more than anything, where control is not something I can have possession over. You love without knowing beforehand how strong and to whom.
I thought, once you found someone that you thought met your criteria you had set your entire life believing, you can nurture and grow the love inside you. You follow the common 'rule' in loving, accepting all his flaws, with little or no regards at all at his past, for it is 'in the past and it shouldn't be allowed to ruin the future. Future is what your present will make it.' So beautiful to see other people oozing and melting over phrases and quotes on love. Love is accepting, love is not judging, love does not punish, people over their past, love is this and that. I did that, God knows how much I tried my best to conform to that 'high' standard of loving. How on earth, so many people forget to state the one and most important thing in this whole loving business, your own heart? You can train every single part of your body, to be strong, to do what you planned, even up until your highest positioned organ, your brain, but your heart, it remains the single, wildest part of you, that even you can't have total control over.
Accept the others' flaw as you may, yes, that's crucial. Don't change what you can't. You can't expect someone to change, because a relationship is doomed from even the beginning if you entered it with hope that someone will change. That's one advice I had been given. They said, you can't change other, but you can change yourself. Change myself? Not to be hardheaded or anything, but I should change to accommodate others? And be who I am not? And suffer later for being totally awkward and uncomfortable for others? Yes, love and sacrifices always go hand in hand. But remember, giving also comes together with receiving. I give, how the others receive it is equally important to complete the equation. I give with my whole heart, but when the other receive it halfheartedly, what justice it brings to me? I am a person, an equal half in that relationship, don't I matter?
Forget the past, it should remain at the past. So beautiful this phrase is. I wish it is that easy. You want to understand the person, how would you do that? Let him talk and present himself to you? All you can hear is the polished version, all goody-goody stuffs with little taint, if there's any at all. Past is irrelevant, right? How do you tell you are in the present, or stepping into the future, if not for the traces of footprints behind you? How do you know who the person is if not for his past? How do you tell a person's reliability or trust-ability if not for what or who he is in the past, how he handle things and how he reacted, his reputation and all? Accept and forget, by all means, but you have your eyes, your brain and your heart, don't waste what control mechanism God has granted you.
I am using the past to the fullest, not to judge others, but for me to better understand a person, how he was brought up, and to better understand his personality and attitude. From which, once I understood, I will know whether he is for me or not. I made a mistake once in this, I won't do it again, ever.
I am listening to my heart, and I know, I still have a fully functioning heart. It knows how to love, and love fully. And I know, how beautiful and strong love is at the same time, thank God I finally have the opportunity to feel and understand it. Unpredictable, uncontrollable? Yes, but with Him guiding my every step, that simple heart mistake won't happen, ever.
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