New stage of life

I have come to this stage, I thought I wouldn't be experiencing this, but lo, here I am, having to face all this, having to endure all the challenges, of normal life, added by so many new things, new concerns, attacking from every possible corner, every possible side of my life.

I have never considered my life is a challenge, a real challenge if others were to be in my shoes.  I thought this is normal, every woman in this world will experience this.  To my surprise, no, it's not normal.  I can always put a happy smile on my face, for the sake of my loved ones, but inside is an ever increasing pool of lava-hot suffering, of pretense, of feigned happiness, slowly eating me from inside.

This is the time when I feel almost everyone's back is facing me.  I have only myself, and only a handful friends and families (actually, I can even count them using only fingers I have on my one hand, less than that, pity....) to defend me.  Why?  This is not something that anyone could understand, could feel empathy.  It seems hard for anyone to say anything else but "Yes, I understand your situation, but you should...........".  That's the last thing I want to hear during this period of time.

Well, it is time to start from zero.  Let go of all the burdens that dragged me back to my past, to all those incomprehensible years I spent in pretending, and hoping in vain, for something that never come to concrete existence.

How wonderful it is to just let go, and be myself, my real self once again, without being tied down involuntarily.  I used to utilize my words, manipulate them to make believe, to lead my heart towards believing something I knew deep inside, never even existed at the first place.  I chose to live my decision, but it turned out, the decision sipped me off of my life.  I need to feel alive again, for the sake of my  beautiful, most beloved daughter, my life and my breath.

Friends and families, thank you for everything.  Every change you'll see, please accept them with open heart, not with accusations, assumptions or judgement. You are not the one who experienced it, so please spare me all your advices, I thank you in advance.