Oh...The Evil Monster...

For those who have known me quite well, most of them will describe me as a happy go lucky, all smiles kind of person.  Those who have yet to know me, I am a deadly serious person, getting to know me, or approach me could be an ordeal one has to go through.  My colleagues and acquaintances will describe me in so many ways, but hot tempered is so very rarely on the list.

Well, this is my skeleton in the closet.  I am known in my family as having the worst temper among my siblings.  I have recovered a bit from my impatience and bad tempered once I was far from home.  Still the bad temper, but more control I gained, maybe because of widened social circle and heighten social skill, also with advancing age.  However there is one thing I always warn those who are very close to me, I always beg them not to test my patient and temper.  Why?  Once someone overstepped the border, my patience is tested to the limit and I can't hold it any longer, NO ONE, not even ME, can have control over myself.

What will happen?  Rapid heartbeat, heavy, harsh breathing (feels like I couldn't have enough oxygen no matter how hard I try), shaky hands, then my whole body, cold sweat and finally inexplicable strength surging like high voltage electricity runs through my body.  What I badly need at that stage is to channel that extraordinary energy out of my system, most of the time I resort to punching whatever it is within my reach.  I punched concrete wall, concrete slab (with sharp edges up), bed, floor, iron bars,...you name it.  The more it hurt, the more effective it is to turn down the heat inside me.  I couldn't imagine if the punch is on other people, because I punched really extra hard.  People around me have tried to stop me, but I couldn't let them, because I didn't know what will happen if I didn't let go the extra energy, strength.  It's overwhelming.  What will happen if I don't let it out?

Last night, finally, I found it out. I've got so very, very angry, I lost my patience and control.  It snapped off, and I could literally feel it.  After experiencing the whole 'symptoms' above, my body started to weaken to the stage I felt it is very hard and painful to even take a single breath.  I held on really hard to my chair, I couldn't do my normal punching method because the person I really love and care was there. My hands, chest and body went cold and stiff, I couldn't move them.  Felt my eyes started to roll up. I thought, "Is this how dying people feel?"  I realized I frightened people around me at that time.  They frantically tried their best to 'revive' me, massaged my stiff hands, my back, rub my face and neck with wet towel.  And when I finally came back to my senses, my whole body started shaking violently, as if I've just come out from cold room, naked.

I am glad that episode is finally over, but it is still so very fresh to me, in my mind.  I can still feel the pain and numbness in my hands and joints, my jaw and shoulders. It was as frightening to me as to other people.  I could feel I was so very close to lose myself, and succumb to a state I don't even dare to mention.  I don't want that to ever happen again.  No, not ever, not at all.

That's why I keep reminding those I remember to remind, to watch out for my temper, don't overdo something that you know will test my patience to the limit.  I am sorry in advance because if you do, and I lost control of myself, I won't be able to say sorry then for whatever it is that will happen to you, or myself.

Thank you so very much for your consideration.  That's my Evil Monster, I keep in my closet and that I never wish to come out again.