Mr. Borneo 2020 (Bodybuilding competition)...my experience

​

A Message Poem (Poem #2 from my fave young poet)

 Roses are red

Violets are blue

Care for nice, sweet attention?

I am sure you want too.

Dandelions are white

Sunflowers are yellow

just wrote this letter 

to give you a 'Hello'!

Skies are blue

The grass is green as a frog

Say, my dear,

How about a little talk on a log?

The river flows

Just like your hair

Our eyes are met

As I choke the air.

You're pretty, did I said that?

Ah yes, plenty of times

Hope you don't mind me

As I make love rhymes

Can we just be honest?

Just for a moment?

Your eyes are shining

Just like a Christmas ornament!

Sorry, dear, sorry

Forgive me as I say

Wish this could go on forever

But it must be over to this day.

Darling, oh, darling

I'll say a goodbye

Be safe, deary dear,

As I'll see you on the other side.

Blatant

It is as serious as that. Kind of thrown in your face blatant.  I am talking about my responsibility, the one I bestowed upon years ago but I blatantly ignored with all my might.

I am trying my best to zigzag my way out, trying to avoid the blatant truth, that I am a complete failure at defending and caring for what I am supposed to protect and care.

It was easy then, when feedback is not something that I was afraid to face, because of easy vocabulary available but now, it is a completely different story.  Cruel truth being thrown at me in beautifully composed phrases and paras. Who would have thought it is easier to swallow sands and pebbles than palming and digesting this liquid hurtful truth?

Don't mind me talking nonsense, I am trying to be at the most sensible while keeping things subtle enough for me to let it out, but just a shy away from you understanding it. I am juggling many relationships and responsibility in my only two hands, when the actual size that I need to carry is gigantic, humongous that if I were to lay my whole life flat on the ground, it wouldn't be able to contain it.  It is not the case of biting more than I could chew, it was like swallowing the whole view and beyond and expect it to fit into my much less than a handful worth mouth, whatever it is.

I am desperate to leave a legacy noble enough for one to have a wishful thinking of, and have that warmth creeping into her heart.  If I can do that, I will die a happy and fulfilled person.  However, I am not inching closer, I am stepping backwards, even farther than before my birth.

I am defending every single right and privilege and yet at the same time, I keeping that toxic bond that prevents me from achieving just that. In between, I am wasting my energy, draining my emotions and physically exerted to the very last drop of my self worth in fights that see no ends, just yet.

My only refuge is Him. This one legacy I would like to first and foremost be passed down to my generations, down the line. Without this hope, all I can see is darkness, and the old saying of finding the light at the end of the tunnel, when no one knows if you have what it takes to crawl in, through and out of.  Lord, take me, lead me...this is all that matters to me now.  This helplessness numbs me from living, and that, Lord, is premature even to me.  

A broken family

This is a poem from my newfound favourite young poet.

Who am I to you?
Who are they to us?
This kind of family,
Is a game of lie and trust.

Silly, as I might say,
Perfect can form into a happy family,
But one small deal happens,
It will soon turn into a tragedy.

No, we aren't truthful,
We aren't generous,
If you think we are those two,
I must say I find you humorous.

How I wish I could laugh,
At your silly little joke,
"How perfect your family are?"
Well you don't know anything, you damn bloke.

If there's one thing we have that's perfect,
It was death,
The mere thought of it was exciting,
That we wanted to draw our last breath.

Listen to yourself....

Yes, I take day off anytime I feel I need it, with little regard to what's happening around me.  Since the day I decided to put my wellness as my top priority, I started to take less heed of others' perception and expectations, towards me.  I need to be fit, healthy and strong for the people I am taking care of, therefore negative vibes are not welcomed in my life.

Reading too many posts, status updates on people whining and on the brink of depression.  Can I not be part of that?  Yes, it seems like I am leading a dual life. During the day I am an auditor, a chartered accountant whose image and independence are carefully tread on. After work, I am a fitness coach, bodybuilding to be specific.  This is my passion.  Granted, I am tired, but passion fueled my body and I manage to find my way through and around irons and bars in our humble gym. I have a personal chant I said in my mind over and over again, that accounting and finance is a passion for my mind, while fitness and bodybuilding is the passion for my body and heart. In terms of works, yes I may not be perfect, there are lots of things I still have to learn, but I am willing to learn.  Lately, I am trying my best not to put off works, finishing them the soonest I can, even if it means I have to burn the midnight oil, again and again. 

As a human, I do have my limit.  My patience is not to be tested beyond its max capacity.  I stepped into the new year (this year) with a vow that I will try my best in everything that I do, in my spiritual life, in my professional work, in my family and in my passion.  The vow includes keeping my promises, every single one.  If it happens that I would not be able to fulfill my promise, I make it a habit to let the other party know. 

Since towards the end of last week I was bombarded with work, unnecessary and redundant even,and it was carried forward to Monday.  Finally last night, I had enough.  Yes, I had chores to do today, but I am seizing the opportunity to have a real rest day today. I listen to my body and mind enough that I know when to push, and when to stop and rest.  Today is my day.  

I am having a real ME day.  Not a me day spending with friends.  It's me and myself.  I am a pro in ME Day department.  I love being alone.  Never feel lonely when I am alone.  Treating myself to any place, view, food, music, entertainment, relaxation in my own way, my own preference. It is a luxury for me these days, as being involved in fitness industry and business, I had to step out of my comfort zone, as a born introvert, into the limelight and trying my best to get noticed, so that I can bring people attention to our gym.  It is a hard work for me, the way that an extrovert will never understand.  Being the center of attention is not my cup of tea, I dreaded crowd and parties (or any resemblance to both). Hence the reason why I only have less than a handful close friends I can comfortably hang out with. Well, actually....when it comes to really, really close friend, I am 'monogamous'. Trust is a priceless commodity for me.  I don't share it with many people, and those who lost it once, lost it forever.

So, back to ME day....I am signing off for now.  Ciao....

Snappy me 2019

The good news is, I am less ill-tempered than I used to be.  Not exactly cured, entering the 40th years of my life did change me.  Physically, I am stronger than ever.  Emotionally, I am more fragile, but less of those lioness' traits.  I still get easily mad, I became more snappy than ever, much to everyone's annoyance, but I am no longer quick with my hands.  The anger that used to conquer me now is losing its grip.  Granted, there are many times I am very much tempted to give in to my anger, but wisdom got the best of me and helped me out.  

Bad news, however, much to my dislike, I am prone to negative thinking.  Snappy, making assumption (almost always negative ones) upon first couple of words uttered to me.  I read messages and body language in the wrong way.  Always thinking that all others care about is about to push me aside and pin me down at their feet.  I don't know why, increased vulnerability probably one of the reasons.

Inching closer towards the end of this year, onto another decade in my most tiring year-end holiday so far.  I feel drained physically, emotionally and spiritually.  People keep asking me to take a rest, which I would really love to, but cannot afford to.  Explaining this to others is just a vain effort, might as well just keep it to myself and allowing myself moments to break down in silence and in the dark, just to get up and fight again.  

People have high expectation of me, which I myself led them to believe that I am capable of fulfilling.  I utilized social media platform more actively this year, both for business and personal.  Naturally an introvert, this is taking toll on me, hence the tiredness I feel right now.  When I said I cannot do something people asked me, most of the times I would get the same answer, "Of course you can do it, you are strong. / You are good at this, I know you can do it. / etcetera...etcetera..etcetera.."  

Yes, for business sake, I have to rise above the wave to get noticed.  I did things out of my comfort zones, showcasing our humble business, featuring and gambling my physique as a tool to sell our business.  I am in my most comfortable skin now, not having to be someone just to get others approval.  But to be known, to get attention, that's beyond my preferred zone.  People expect me to be good at socializing, but no, I am not.  I am the kind of person who prefer to stay in bed, reading good books, a satisfying snooze and soothing music.  I am not into meeting people, be in the crowd. I may be friendly and talkative over chatting platforms, but don't ever ask me out for a meal. I don't do that.  I am not comfortable doing that.  I prefer my own company.  No, don't blame yourself, it is just me. Especially if you are a man, that's a taboo for me.  I am not comfortable at all.  Girlfriends?  Honestly, I am not that comfortable either.  It's just that sometimes, I had to fight the feelings and just go out. Otherwise, let me be with myself, treating me for a good, relaxing meal.  We can have endless talk later, not over meal or a date.  I only do so with selected few, those that I am comfortable to go out with, which you can count with your fingers on a single hand.

Okay, this is a perfect example of me venting my concerns, disappointment and discomfort.  Feels a bit lighter now, thanks to blogger.com. See ya.

Misunderstood

"Real growth is when you start checking and correcting yourself, instead of blaming others.  You take your power back by being responsible for your life"

This was supposed to be a motivational, life changing statement for me, not to demotivate or criticize others.  I posted this on my wall, a personal shout out, a public declaration, one that made to oblige me to follow through this vow until it is realized. 

But then again, I forgot that every one take a statement like this at their own personal face value, the one thing decided by their own personal experience.  What could boost my motivation could be damaging or degrading to others.  For this fact, I apologize to those I hurt, indirectly and unintentionally. 

Passing the 40 mark this month seems like a catalyst for me, bringing me to the next level of freedom of mind, will to live my life the way that I want and my perspective on life on how it treats me, and how I should react to it.  

The past years had been great, although challenging beyond comprehension, I still am standing strong today, stronger than ever.  I was weak and beaten, but that because I let life happen to me.  Now, I decided to make life happen.  I don't know what I mean by this, the only thing I know is that I want to take charge of what is happening in my life, instead of just sitting there and let the waves bring me to wherever they want.  Yes, life can be rough sometime, unfair far more often than otherwise, but in the end, it is how you handle it that determine your happiness.  You might have been unfairly treated, but dear self, stand up and stand firm.  Defend your ground.  They can do whatever they want, but remember, you can do whatever you want too, with your life, the one that you have absolute control.  If I keep on blaming others (as what I have been doing all these years), I find it difficult to look at life with much brighter sight, hence my happiness always kept at bay, away from my reach.  Near but so far away.  Can see but cannot touch. Can you imagine the pain?

It rooted to this one idea: You can't change others, but you can definitely change you.  I can't change others to suit my needs, but I can change my need of others.  Tougher still, I can even choose to stop needing others altogether.  It is my choice.  Not others.  My life, I am in charge, not others.  Having seen that, starting doing that, I can literally feel the power flowing back into my life.

A talk with an ex-classmate about life and family reinforced this to my mind.  We were similar in the sense that we suffered during those years we let others take charge of our lives.  We let others to dictate what we should and should not do. In other words, we let life happened to us, and we suffered. I have come to the age that taking charge is crucial. Never mind the unfairness around us, or misconception, misunderstanding, mis.. everything of others towards us, I won't be shaken off my ground.  I charge when I want, I defend when I feel the need, I apologize when I am wrong, or when  I see apologizing is better than fighting, I care, I love, I do everything in my own terms, not others.

Above all, I want to surrender everything to Him.  In the end, He is the one reason that I exist until today, no matter how weak or strong I feel, how beaten or glorified I might be, He is the one reason that never changed, at the beginning and the end.

I hope this clears the air, even though this needs no explanation at all, no obligation to write this, but I write this anyway, because I want to.  Just so you know, and be inspired.

My 2018 Recap

It's 30th December 2018, the second final day of 2018.  Since I don't think I will have time to write tomorrow, which I habitually do every end of the year, let's just do it now, while I still have the time and a little bit of idea what to write. Spoiler alert, there may be a bit of rerun, restatement of what I had written last year, but that's just a matter of emphasizing my point.

2018 is my year of coming out of my shell. I was a very reserved, meticulous and a bit of introvert.  I couldn't stand to be in crowd, and that still valid until now.  Nevertheless, despite that, there has been an almost 180 degrees of change in me, my attitude, my appearance and my self-confidence. Well, of course, my life since mid 2015 is all about fitness, my newly unveiled passion which now at the fiery, hot blazing stage.  Every end of the year since 2015 (going into 2016) I set a fitness resolution.

2015 - A fit body with body weight to be around 45 kg.

2016 - Adding more muscle and definition, while maintaining the fit look.  Allowing additional 3 - 5 kg addition.

2017 - More volume and strength. Protein intake to be allowed to supplement my growing need. Another 5 kg of lean muscle increase was allowable.

2018 - More volume then defining, preparing to take up my personal challenge to beat my own fear and crack my covering shell, to compete and pose on the stage.  A bit of very low dose hormonal help is allowed.

Up until now, I am glad to share with you that every single fitness resolution I had set, was successfully achieved.  Thank God for allowing me to grow despite so many negative views and barriers, I know what I want and I want it so bad.  To tell you the truth, fulfilling those resolutions was not that easy, it was very hard, indeed.  It takes a heart of steel and an equally strong determination to keep my eyes on the prize.  My climax this year happened just a couple of weeks ago, where I competed in Mr. Borneo Women Physique.  I didn't even qualify into the final, but in my heart, I am already a winner.  I know where I was at, and for my less than 3 weeks prep, the body that I finally presented on stage was more than satisfying.  It was quite an experience, the most important thing was I finally able to see the strength I was capable of showing.  The dieting phase was the most horrible and the hardest for me, but I managed to get through it, successfully.  After this, I know there is nothing I can't do, if I put my whole heart and effort into it.  All this, however, was nothing without God allowing me the opportunity to compete.  Usually, BB competition held on Saturday, or Friday Eve, which is my curfew.  It was why I didn't take my preparation seriously, not minding my diet at all because the original date fell on Friday Eve.  At the last minute, the competition was postponed to a later date, 16th December and I finally had no excuse not to try this time.  So in less than 3 weeks I started and went through my prep, and the rest is history.

In my professional job, despite going through a bad phase in 2017, where our KPI was not achieved, 2018 was our team's complete turnaround.  We managed to produce almost double the KPI with the team strength only 3, the smallest team in our department.  I owe this to my dedicated team members.  We had so many other works and despite that, I kept on pushing them and of course, as normal people do, sometimes they asked me to ease our work a little as it is tiring them to be on the race nonstop, but they did it anyway. That's a blessing I am forever grateful for.  Of course, my advancement in my career halted a bit when I was offered a promotion to the next higher grade, but with the condition I couldn't bring myself to fulfill, moving to other state.  I have to turn it down for the moment.  I guess it was not my time yet.

At home, is a total different story.  It was a mixed achievement.  But if you have to ask me, I'd say I feel I failed my duty as a mom.  I really do.  I failed to be there for my kid, failed to comfort her when she needs me the most, failed to protect her, failed to prioritize her...simply put, I am not a good mom.  This is my turn off, biggest one, in 2018.  How will I make up for this, I have no idea yet.  But I am determined to not letting this happen again in 2019.  God bestowed her upon me to take care of, she is my responsibility, I will fulfill it to the fullest.  God will help me to achieve this.  This is my ultimate purpose so this will be my priority.

Other things, I can only pray that I will be the best version of me for them.  I can't make everyone happy, but as much as I can, with whatever I have, I will try my best to make this world, how little it is, a better one.

So, Happy New Year, everyone.  I pray you'll be showered with love, hope and joy.  God bless

What a teenage can teach you

This happened quite recently.  I was in the car with my daughter, on our way to her school, one final time, to collect her UPSR result.  Honestly, as most moms would, I felt more nervous than her.  I was not expecting a great result, but one thing I prayed was for her to get the best result that would best define her effort, which I could see towards the final month before the exam.

To ease the pressure, I made a small talk with her.  The conversation went like this:

Me:  How do you feel?  Are you nervous?

Nicole: Not really. I just hope that I won't get 2 E.

Me: Haha...I know, it must be for your Math and Science.  Don't worry, you have tried your best.  Whatever your result will be I am sure it is the best for you.  I am still proud of you no matter what.  But, I still am expecting A for your English.

Nicole:  I think I get A for English.

Me: How can you be so sure?  Was the question easy for you?  Did you check your grammars?

Nicole:  I just know.  And yes, I did check my grammar.

Me:  Do you think Fanella will score the highest in UPSR?  Isn't she the smartest one in your school?

Nicole: I think so. She is very smart.

Me:  Are you and her close friends?

Nicole: Not that close.

Me:  She looks like a nerd.  Don't you think so?

Nicole: No. Why do you say she's a nerd?

Me: Because it seems like she doesn't mix around and doesn't have that many friends.

Nicole: She has friends.  I don't think she's a nerd. Why do you think that?

Me: Because well...she LOOKS like a nerd.  (I mean, because the way she carried herself around, dressing and specs...but I didn't say this out loud).

Nicole:  You can't judge a person just by looking at her appearance.  Do not judge a book by its cover.....

Then I stopped her before she went on and on and on about being judgmental towards others.  I told her that finally I understood why her teacher chose her to be one of the peers counselors.  And that was a valuable lesson to always keep in mind.  Should that advice came from an adult, the impact wouldn't be as much.  Coming from a younger person, well that hit right in the chest. BTW, her result was way beyond my expectation.  God blessed us with the gift which I am sure, is just one of the earliest ones, I know more and more blessings will come in the future.  Thank God for this, and for everything we have been given up until today. 

And the wheel keeps on turning..

Many hope and think their lives move in one straight line, that is, forward.  However, please do not forget that life is a wheel, while we focus the up and down movement, we tend to forget the other kind of movement, that is, the 'what goes around comes around' thingy, the surety that something in the past could repeat itself in the future.

This happened to me very recently.  The change of status made it possible again.  There were many factors, the major one being the one that "I can't mention", the very essence of a marriage. Hence, being in my position, surrounded by very few people that matters the most in my life, I prefer this totally, over the previous one.  It left a sizable mark that I doubt will ever go away.  I have decided and resorted to a life long decision, that this is the life that I want to live in for the rest of my life.

This decision, however, doesn't sit well with my parents.  Despite seeing me feeling content with my current life, somehow they found a way to push me to the previous life I now hate so much.  Their argument?  Not all men are the same. This doesn't mean a thing to me. Why?  I know my reason, but I just couldn't tell them to their face, it would break their hearts, but I couldn't see any other way.  Yes, my current passion is one of the things that they tried so hard to steer me away from in my early life, but I know this is the passion I was born with, surfacing only now when I finally dare to get out of my shell and really know myself for who I really am, and cherishing it as it is.  

I understand what they are trying to tell me, but please understand, I am incapable of living in such relationship status anymore.  I couldn't and I wouldn't risk my life to try again.  I finally know who I am and I am willing to accept it, flaws and all.  At least I won't harm other people in living my decision.

Point is, I once faced this relentless questioning before, now I need to go through the same phase again. *sigh. Coming from other people, I could easily break off their attempt to make my life miserable again, but my own parents, now that is a huge problem.  For now I could only try my best to change the subject every time they bring it up.  Until when, I don't know.  Let's just sit and see.

Wish me luck.

No man is an island

Yes, I insist you agree with me.  I am in no mood to argue, as I am as rotten as decomposing corpse inside.  

Today the world is full with narcissists who think the world revolves around them, and them only.  I can only pray that their eyes are opened to see that lo, there are millions and billions of people around them, more than half whose lives are much worse than they are.

Some may think they are climbing up the ladder in their life, success came tailing them wherever they go, and to top the ego of, they did it on their own, without anyone's help. That is what in their mind.  This thought is poisoning so many so-called successful people that they think they have an exclusive right to step on other people, trumpeting to the world that "I did it my way".  Little did they know, the moment the key persons around them move their feet an inch away from them they will fall down and face the reality with dirt smudged on their face.  Well, I am expecting a hate curse to come my way because of this statement, especially from those so-called self-made successful persons in this world except, of course, the few genuine ones.

This world is full of egoistic people.  Some projected it so clearly that you can say right away in their face that they are (egoistic), some are hiding behind their 'humble' personality, looked harmless on the outside, but actually more lethal and potent than the former.  If you happen to be the few lucky ones that able to live this long without those kind of people in your life, then I would like to congratulate you.  Be careful to avoid getting involved with those kind of persons.  

I do not know what to say.  I just feel like I would like to just prepare an account, just to prove where they actually are in this so-called successful world they claimed as theirs.

Actually, I just feel like I need a good punching bag right now.  I am on the verge of breaking down, or more likely, of exploding.  I do not know how much more I can hold on.

Why am I not happy?

I am not happy, yes, but it is not because of what others done to me.  A little insight into my recent life, I found the increasing demand and pressure I put on myself lately.  The standard I set for myself is getting higher every day.  Of course it is not a bad thing, it is a must-do to motivate myself to perform better. When setting a standard, one cannot avoid putting something or someone as a benchmark.  This is where everything gone wrong.

I put others as my benchmark, their achievement, success, look...everything.  Once in a while I can reach them or even surpass them, but as you achieve more, the more insatiable you become.  Then you hit the wall.  Those who once behind you now are catching up, and some even leave you behind.  That makes you try harder, but sometimes hard work does not translate into result, which stresses you even more.  I am making this mistake, at this moment, as I am typing this.  It is time to put a stop to this and reset.  Reset to where things were at their right places, where efforts put in the right ways, in just the right amount, the right time.

I used to be a lot happier.  I was as competitive as I am now. The only difference was I competed against myself, rather than against other people.  Watching a motivational video on how different people grow and move at their own time and pace, opened my eyes to my struggle.  I realize if I do not do anything about this, I will not be able to recover at all.

I am the only one in this universe that walk, talk and grow this way, this pace.  My achievement in life should be compared to those I had in my past.  My happiness in life, my family, should be compared to that I had years ago.  I should be happier if that is how I measure my happiness.  My finance too. My fitness goal, I have achieved so much, weighing 55kg now compared to just 44kg when I first started.  10 kg is a lot, in my fitness world. I should be happier, and more satisfied.  I won't stop, I just need to beat my yesterday self, every single day.  Tomorrow I will beat my today, and that will go  on and on, until my last breath.

So world, stop comparing me with others, I won't give a hoot.  The only person I want to beat is me. The only thing that won't be in the comparing ring my spiritual life.  Up and closer to Him is my one and only goal.  Other than that, let's get up and beat the older, past me.  

????????????

Yes, I am supposed to be that one friend who will listen to her friend.  Can't you see how much I love to be that person, be able to fulfill that responsibility every time I am needed?  Not everyone can see that, I know, but the truth is, I do.

I know I always whine about the loads of works I am bearing, and right now, it is reaching my limit.  I have impending dues, the climax of almost 3 years of work and yet I couldn't think at all.  My brain is blank, despite an overdue (of many) task.  My own annual personal work, all three of them actually ready to be finalized, just a few tweaks and posts here and there and viola, the final accounts will 'appear'.  Yet, they are hanging just like that with the closing date is just 10 days away. I have my duty as a mentor, and also assisting colleague and friend in their studies.  In normal circumstances, this won't cause me breaking a sweat, but right now, it is causing migraines and headaches.  Don't let me start with business with its financial and staffing problems.  I almost exploded when I received complaints from customers.  I hate backstabbers and this one case might just be qualified as one of them. My car is starting to cry for attention, and I know I need to take my 2-days unrecorded leave to attend to its need. Family and homes crave for the same, and yet where am I going to find time and strength to cover all that?

I am losing my ability to listen.  My ears are still attached to my head, my hearing is as good as ever and yet I couldn't process almost anything that is worth listening to and pondering about.  My emotions wrecked and literally run-down. I become more sensitive to small things.  It elevated the impact unnecessarily and caused me making bad decisions and drastic measures, which actually aren't supposed to be taken at the first place.

I want to pour all these concerns out to anyone willing to listen, but I am afraid of becoming redundant.  These things that weigh tonnes to me might seems far lighter in others eyes.  I am afraid of the response that I might get, that I seems to exaggerate things when in actual fact is that I am on the brink of saying 'It's enough, I couldn't take it anymore'.  I may appear strong, even hardheaded and cold-hearted egoistic maniac, but I am slowly crumbling down on the inside.  Those laughter and silly words are my shield and mask, but do tell me, until when?  Above all that, is the fact that I fully realized that others too, have their own problems and concerns, and that I shouldn't shove mine into their face, no matter how much they care for me.

I have only Him to run into.  His arms are always opened for me.  Sometimes in the midst of my run towards Him, I am afraid I wouldn't be able to make it into His arms, and that I might fall somewhere without ever reaching to Him. My only hope is that He will meet me halfway, and stop me from falling deeper and fades away from this world.

I pray that I will be understood.  Not that I choose to be deaf, but it's the noise of personal problems and concerns muted sound from outside of my head, that I wouldn't be able to function normally, as much as I'd love to.  I am in the phase of overreacting to even the smallest poke, please allow me time to calm down and settle down.  That is all I am asking.  World, please be kind to me.  Lord, You are my everything, everything I do is for Your glory.  Help me.