Blatant

It is as serious as that. Kind of thrown in your face blatant.  I am talking about my responsibility, the one I bestowed upon years ago but I blatantly ignored with all my might.

I am trying my best to zigzag my way out, trying to avoid the blatant truth, that I am a complete failure at defending and caring for what I am supposed to protect and care.

It was easy then, when feedback is not something that I was afraid to face, because of easy vocabulary available but now, it is a completely different story.  Cruel truth being thrown at me in beautifully composed phrases and paras. Who would have thought it is easier to swallow sands and pebbles than palming and digesting this liquid hurtful truth?

Don't mind me talking nonsense, I am trying to be at the most sensible while keeping things subtle enough for me to let it out, but just a shy away from you understanding it. I am juggling many relationships and responsibility in my only two hands, when the actual size that I need to carry is gigantic, humongous that if I were to lay my whole life flat on the ground, it wouldn't be able to contain it.  It is not the case of biting more than I could chew, it was like swallowing the whole view and beyond and expect it to fit into my much less than a handful worth mouth, whatever it is.

I am desperate to leave a legacy noble enough for one to have a wishful thinking of, and have that warmth creeping into her heart.  If I can do that, I will die a happy and fulfilled person.  However, I am not inching closer, I am stepping backwards, even farther than before my birth.

I am defending every single right and privilege and yet at the same time, I keeping that toxic bond that prevents me from achieving just that. In between, I am wasting my energy, draining my emotions and physically exerted to the very last drop of my self worth in fights that see no ends, just yet.

My only refuge is Him. This one legacy I would like to first and foremost be passed down to my generations, down the line. Without this hope, all I can see is darkness, and the old saying of finding the light at the end of the tunnel, when no one knows if you have what it takes to crawl in, through and out of.  Lord, take me, lead me...this is all that matters to me now.  This helplessness numbs me from living, and that, Lord, is premature even to me.