The good news is, I am less ill-tempered than I used to be. Not exactly cured, entering the 40th years of my life did change me. Physically, I am stronger than ever. Emotionally, I am more fragile, but less of those lioness' traits. I still get easily mad, I became more snappy than ever, much to everyone's annoyance, but I am no longer quick with my hands. The anger that used to conquer me now is losing its grip. Granted, there are many times I am very much tempted to give in to my anger, but wisdom got the best of me and helped me out.
Bad news, however, much to my dislike, I am prone to negative thinking. Snappy, making assumption (almost always negative ones) upon first couple of words uttered to me. I read messages and body language in the wrong way. Always thinking that all others care about is about to push me aside and pin me down at their feet. I don't know why, increased vulnerability probably one of the reasons.
Inching closer towards the end of this year, onto another decade in my most tiring year-end holiday so far. I feel drained physically, emotionally and spiritually. People keep asking me to take a rest, which I would really love to, but cannot afford to. Explaining this to others is just a vain effort, might as well just keep it to myself and allowing myself moments to break down in silence and in the dark, just to get up and fight again.
People have high expectation of me, which I myself led them to believe that I am capable of fulfilling. I utilized social media platform more actively this year, both for business and personal. Naturally an introvert, this is taking toll on me, hence the tiredness I feel right now. When I said I cannot do something people asked me, most of the times I would get the same answer, "Of course you can do it, you are strong. / You are good at this, I know you can do it. / etcetera...etcetera..etcetera.."
Yes, for business sake, I have to rise above the wave to get noticed. I did things out of my comfort zones, showcasing our humble business, featuring and gambling my physique as a tool to sell our business. I am in my most comfortable skin now, not having to be someone just to get others approval. But to be known, to get attention, that's beyond my preferred zone. People expect me to be good at socializing, but no, I am not. I am the kind of person who prefer to stay in bed, reading good books, a satisfying snooze and soothing music. I am not into meeting people, be in the crowd. I may be friendly and talkative over chatting platforms, but don't ever ask me out for a meal. I don't do that. I am not comfortable doing that. I prefer my own company. No, don't blame yourself, it is just me. Especially if you are a man, that's a taboo for me. I am not comfortable at all. Girlfriends? Honestly, I am not that comfortable either. It's just that sometimes, I had to fight the feelings and just go out. Otherwise, let me be with myself, treating me for a good, relaxing meal. We can have endless talk later, not over meal or a date. I only do so with selected few, those that I am comfortable to go out with, which you can count with your fingers on a single hand.
Okay, this is a perfect example of me venting my concerns, disappointment and discomfort. Feels a bit lighter now, thanks to blogger.com. See ya.
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