A time for myself

Deciding to take a break today, felt quite exhausted.  I don't think I am exhausted physically, but mentally, most probably.  Hey, that rhymes..!?!

This very short leave is not planned, nor did I plan to spend the rest of the day alone.  I was supposed to play in a badminton tournament, representing my office this late afternoon.  Since it is canceled, I am left with a hole in my schedule.

I don't know if this happens to all other mothers out there, but it seems like I am now having disability to enjoy myself, just for myself.  Enjoy my alone time.  I thought everyone, once in a while, craves for that 'me' time.  I tried my luck few weeks ago, where I decided to myself a time, to enjoy myself, and just be with my friends.  Whoa..it proved to be quite hard to do.  Whenever I laugh, I think of my little baby at home.  When I eat, thought went out to the same little child.  When I think I finally feel free again to do what once before was my favorite thing to do, roaming alone and just observe my surroundings, I always think back to the girl I left at home, and that guilty feelings drowned my heart again.

I really can't leave my heartthrob at home for a longer time.  The most I could stand was a week, and provided that it was a business trip, otherwise I won't last any longer than a day.  The same career talk happened once again during our morning coffee session at our HQ.  They told me I should just accept the promotion and be away from my family at least for a few months before I return back to KK.  Hmm.... that topic shouldn't be raised, should they?  I thought the topic was already closed long before this.  I think some people just couldn't accept that other people want to pass such opportunity for 'silly' reasons like cannot stand to be away from family and such.

I guess I had left my 'single' version permanently, and for good.  I don't know how to live alone anymore.  I don't know how to get through a single day without hearing my child's voice and her smiles.

Maybe, I just do not have much need for a time for myself, anymore.